I.
SEX
sex was everywhere
it followed me 
stayed in my thoughts
i saw it at school
read through the bookshelf in my grandma’s house
it was in movies, on tv
in my bed with me at night
so i slept with the fan on to drown out the noise
the noise of my guilt
of knowing about something i shouldn’t 
i acted like i didn’t see it
didn’t feel the heat when i saw anything close to physical intimacy
didn’t feel it when i looked at any woman

i started drowning it out with noise of my own
voluntarily put myself around it
filled my ears with something of this world
and not the world of my memories

but when i didn’t choose to hear it 
or when i thought i heard something close to those noises
i panicked
because i wasn’t choosing that experience

only i initiated sex

anyone who wanted me only wanted me for sex

i didn’t choose it

II.
NO SEX
i see myself
i see sex
i know that’s how other people see me too
i feel my need reflected back in theirs

i feel dirty
i feel less
i cannot even feel myself

i don’t touch myself for a year

i don’t want myself
i tell myself i don’t like it

flashes. flashes. flashes. flashes.

don’t see me. 
don’t hear me.
don’t catch me.
i know it’s wrong.

look at me and see more
look, look, LOOK!

pieces of me
smiles, laughter

looking into the eyes of women

i am deserving.
i am not dirty.
i am more than sex.
you are deserving.
you are more than sex.

intimacy, no physical
physical, no intimacy

vulnerable

taking off the jacket i carried with me out of the closet
my filter
of deep red
of misguided passions

III.
INTIMACY
i connect through passion
i lose myself in it
and that scares me
reminds me of a dirty feeling

intimacy only goes so deep with me.