August 5th, 2019

To all of our beloved and valued Carnies,

What a weekend!

As a brand, we feel American Carnage® is reaching a level of idiosyncrasy that would make our spiritual founders, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, crassly smirk.

Just this past Saturday, long-time employee Patrick Crusius of Dallas, Texas made us all here at American Carnage® proud by participating in a spectacular act of terrorism which left 21 people killed and dozens injured.

I know what you’re thinking: Another white man, another massacre, so what?

Look, we know, we know. On the surface, it doesn’t seem as though Mr. Crusius, age 21, is different from any other employee of American Carnage®. All the white men we employ are potential terrorists, and we are fairly proud of this fact. But it is the form found within Mr. Crusius’ rage that has all of us giddy with excitement about our company’s future. For you see, Mr. Crusius’ rampage was arguably the most American act we’ve witnessed in recent memory. Think about it: Mr. Crusius drove for several hours across the great state of Texas to reach El Paso, a flashpoint city mostly populated by Hispanics which sits on the border with Mexico, to rain ideologically powered bullets inside of a Walmart, where hundreds of shoppers were preparing for the new school year.

Texas?

“Innocent” Hispanic shoppers?

Walmart?

Oh, Patrick!

The only thing that would’ve made this act of terror more American would’ve been if Mr. Crusius had been wearing a shirt celebrating the recently confirmed death of Hamza Bin-Laden, but we can’t expect perfection out of every white man.

“This attack is a response to the Hispanic invasion of Texas.”

We thank Mr. Crusius for having the foresight to post a manifesto to 8Chan shortly before commencing his one-man ballet of bullets. Though wrought with grammatical errors (he was nervous!), his manifesto, The Inconvenient Truth (take that, Al Gore!), will do more than serve prosecutors in a court of law when the death penalty is sought—it’ll inspire more of our barely educated spineless white cowards to commit their own atrocities!

Mr. Crusius brilliantly echoed the rhetoric of current American Carnage® CEO Donald J. Trump while smoothly mentioning the fact that his political opinions had been formed well before Mr. Trump took control of our company. Carnies, this is important, as it’s not easy to simultaneously pay homage to Mr. Trump while exonerating him.

The brilliance of Mr. Crusius seemingly knows only one bound: His being captured alive.

His manifesto anticipated death at the hands of the authorities, but it seems as though he dropped his weapons and surrendered when he found himself surrounded. Mr. Crusius may be a hero in the fight to reclaim this country from destruction, but he’s no martyr. And that’s okay! We’re not ISIS, we’re American Carnage®! However, his peaceful detainment, in which no shots were fired, and officers seemingly treated him like a petty robber, unintentionally played into our hands. It was a beautiful display of the entrenched racism of the United States, the one and only home of American Carnage®.

Carnies, keep it up! Election season is upon us and we need to maintain the divisive political environment Mr. Trump has created so we can keep American Carnage® marching forth into the next decade.

And always remember, America isn’t great unless America is bloody.

—American Carnage® Management Team