April 2
ambrose i really miss you
it doesn’t ever get easier
i keep getting memories on snapchat of us two years ago
two years 
you have been gone for so long 
i still call your voicemail
i found a video someone made in memory of you
you could have saved yourself according to your father
the pain was so overwhelming i wish i could have helped you more
i was younger 
we were younger
i am so much older than you will ever be 
you confessed your desire to no longer live to me not even 14 hours before 
like you had countless times 
the first time was when i first moved to san marcos in sept 30 2016 
but you were committed 
you succeeded and now the world is far more emptier without you here
we never were able to fulfill the promise we made for april 2018 
i love you. still. 

August 20

hey i haven’t written to you in a while

i’m dating this guy named T and he does a lot more psychedelics than i am comfortable with 
almost as much as you did

maybe less or more
my memory doesn’t allow me to recollect everything clearly
i wish i knew what you are doing
give me a sign
a message 
to let me know you are still around

that i am not so alone as i make myself out to be
why do i cast myself away from it all
i need something to give me roots