'Orange bottle -' by Stephen Rendon
Whenever I want to add beauty
to memories of growing up
because tv was maybe more of a distraction
and lights covering trash outside and coming through the windows
hanging on the drywall and falling are fine
but the police were only there because we’d called them
I’ll add fields of maize and different plants
that come back to life from the 90’s
when we first moved in
Sometimes they do just turn into frozen pizza
or tacos or scratched vhs tapes
and you push those things back into new colors and petals
before you eventually ask why you need them to be a certain shape
where the stubbornness of what beauty is came from
when did poverty start being clay
lifted smoothed over parts erased
and me looking for new chunks to add to it?
at times it seemed beautiful
If there were plants growing out of my arms
pain sometimes takes that form?
i’m not sleeping anyway
i could try to see the dots i know are bugs
moving in the clear threads
dad would be covered in them
mom would be invisible with pink yellow and white
They end up looking like tv
orange bottles dad had under his bed
and the same diner you’ve had every night for a week
The doctor would count them
and know we hadn’t made this shit up
that when we said we can’t sleep
or can’t work
That we lose interest in things that
after a while lose interest in us
we just want medication that can help
The town changed some
enough to talk about child labor and mental health?
that sometimes you get over
feel grateful you didn’t have the chance to open orange bottles
You know there are risks
we want them because it’s not as if there aren’t also
risks in the symptoms themselves
just weigh them out
losing a job over depression can be
the same as losing one from addiction
Both grow like flowers on our skin
You can put petals anywhere
but you tend not to put em in your clothes
even if you want them touching you
them mixed up with the oil from your skin
so that whoever opens your clothes sees more than just you
so that you feel more than just clothes you feel guilty for wearing
art by stephen rendon