'Good', by Baibin Downey-Orr
One day I’ll be good.
I’ll wake up before my alarm
bounce out of bed
glass of water, shower, dressed, healthy breakfast
not because I have to be anywhere
just because this is what I do
of course
because I am good.
One day I’ll be good.
I’ll know I’m good because they will say
“oh, aren't you good”
in the group chat when they see my morning selfie
hair perfectly tousled from my pre-work yoga and swim
I jogged there and back
of course I did
I’ll laugh off their praise
for me it is no effort
because I am good.
One day I’ll be good.
Habits Stacked
Plants Watered
Fridge Full
Meals Planned, Prepped, Served, Enjoyed
all without leaving any trace
I’ll never have a pile of washing up
never have an overflowing bin
never have to eat pasta and butter and pretend it’s Cacio Et Pepe
because yet again
I didn’t have the foresight to do a food shop
More meals? Again? Everyday? Forever?
the never ending cycle of having to feed yourself
at least twice daily
how can something that happens so regularly always come as a surprise
like the monthly blood down your legs
or the change of season
one day I’ll never be caught off guard.
One day I’ll be good.
And when I’m good my day will divide up neatly
into 3 blocks of 8 hours
sleep for 8
work for 8
and then 8 hours all to yourself to fill with:
life admin, hobbies, socialising, self care, dog walking, cleaning, reading, exercising, ad infinitum
some might find that overwhelming but not me
because didn’t you know?
we all have the same number of hours
in the day as Beyoncé
and just like her I am good
and so I use every second of that 8 hours wisely
I never miss a beat
never waste a second scrolling or faffing
or snoozing in bed for just 5 more minutes,
every 5 minutes, for 2 hours
until that 8 hours of sleep becomes 10
and that 8 hours for yourself become 6
and suddenly how is it possible to tick all of the boxes
in just 6 hours and not have a breakdo-
no
that will never happen to me, not when I am good.
I’ll know when I am good because everything will be clean
Clean Towels
Clean Clothes
Clean Sheets
no mugs on the bedside table
just an asparagus fern
obviously thriving
and a one-line-a-day journal
meticulously filled in with neat cursive handwriting
of course it's neat
because I am good.
I’ll know when I am good
because I will stop ascribing morality
to the mundanities of my day
I will just do.
Effortless, consistent, good
Baibin is a writer & poet based in Bristol. Her poetry includes themes of living with neurodivergence, friendship, nostalgia, and general millennial malaise. Her non-fiction writing explores areas such as the gender health gap, the future of women's reproductive rights, and growing up in a queer family. You can follow her work on substack.
Photography by Kinga Howard