'Stray', by Rain Pendergast-Cortez

Look at your life in a chronological order, each event occurs within the blink of an eye. Blink, you’re born. Blink, the first time, your mom tries to run away with you. Blink, your first day of school. Blink, the first time you start going to museums with your mom, just you and her.  Blink, the first time you realize your skin is much darker than your siblings. Blink, the first time your brothers beat you. Blink, the second time your mom tries to run away with you. Blink, the first time you watch your dad put his hands on your mom. Blink, the last time you go out with your mom is to see Star Wars because nobody but you knows that’s her favorite movie series. Blink, the first time you realize you’re not just attracted to girls. Blink, your first fight at school. Blink, the first time you start hanging out with your older, hippie sister.
Blink, when you learned that you’re dad isn’t your real dad. Blink, your mom won’t look at you. Blink, blink, blink. 
Sometimes you want it all to go away. Other times you want to run away. Every night you want to die. 
Blink, you’re twelve, in your room when your little sister, Madison comes in. 
“You’re not adopted are you?” she’s asking me, one night. I have six siblings that are all older than me except for Madison and my little brother Marcus. She’s younger than me by three years. 
“Why do you think that?” I replied after being quiet for a while.
I couldn’t think of a better response. 
“I heard someone talking to dad about you, at the party last night,” she replied sitting on my bed next to me. “He called you an ‘indiscretion.’ I looked it up in the dictionary, just now.”
What was I supposed to say? That her brother exists because years ago, my mother had an affair? That she convinced my dad to keep me, under the pretense that they would pass me off as an adoptive child? That the reason I stick out like a sore thumb in family photos is because I don’t have my sibling’s fair skin, reddish hair, and dark eyes, but because even though I was supposed to be adopted, my brown hair, light eyes, and overall face resembled my mother’s?
I want her to go away and I tell her that. Maybe too harshly. She runs away crying and I know I’m going to really get it from “Dad” later. 
Blink, your older sister Genny will be coming home early this year. She got kicked out of her boarding school: the head master told my parents that Genny is always skipping class and that she was sleeping around. This time though she got caught with drugs in her dresser. 
Blink, Dad is really upset. Mom is in tears. Grant and Mackenzie, my oldest brother and sister, call her a junkie. Gregory, my older brother by two years tells me I’m going to end up like her. I’m really happy she’s coming back. My dad and siblings have always bullied me. 
Not Genny though. When she’s away at her posh boarding school in Cambridge, she always writes to me and mails me cassette tapes she made: my recent one is a Sonic Youth one. She loves nineties’ music.
Blink, my first kiss. It’s with a shy boy who’s always drawing in class. For one moment it felt like nothing. Just a pair of lips simply touching one another. Then as quickly as our faces came together, it soon became too much. It erupted a warmth in me that had nothing to do with the sun and all to do with his lips and the way he clutched my arms. I felt his indecisive hands grasped at my back, my neck, my hair. All too soon he pulled away from me. He ran and never spoke to me again. But he did tell the whole school. 
Blink, my Dad is really angry this time. He tells me, he can’t have a faggot for a son in his house. 
Blink, Dad says he is going to kick me and Genny out. I’m really scared. He says he can’t have a junkie whore and a homo under his roof. Genny is arguing, Mom is crying, Dad is throwing everything out of our rooms. 
Blink, Genny and I. Me and Genny with no home. 
Blink, Genny takes us to the movies to see, A Beautiful Mind. To be honest, with the luggage we had, I thought we should find the hotel that our Dad set us up with temporarily. Genny insisted we go for some reason, though. 
The whole time the movie played I had knots in my stomach, half wishing I was home. Genny on the other hand looked deep in thought, her brows knit together. When she wasn’t being a pensive looking statue, she kept asking me questions: “How’s your popcorn?” “Are you comfortable where you’re sitting?” “Do you want anything else to eat?” I always told her I was fine. 
Oddly enough Genny was constantly on the phone. Every time she had to make a call though she would tell me she needed to use the restroom and then be gone for around 20 minutes. At one point when she came back, I couldn’t tell because we were in the dark, and it could have been the reflection from the projection, but it looked like she had tears in her eyes.
When the movie was over, Genny turned to me and said, “I found us a place to stay.”
Blink, you are now living in a one bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with your sister’s friends, Ben and Carlos. We have to sleep on the couch but Genny says it’s better than a homeless shelter. Her friends aren’t so bad. One of them has strange spots on his arms, though.
Blink, I have to go to public school while Genny is out looking for work. I’ve never been to a school where I didn’t have to wear a uniform, I wonder what it’ll be like.
Blink, public school isn’t too different than my last school. There’s classes, there’s still cliques, there’s fights and bad food. At least, it’s a lot more diverse than my last school. There are more kids that are dark like me. 
Blink, Genny got a job as a waitress. She’s working full time, that means from morning to evening. I guess she’s officially a drop out. The other night I accidently saw Ben injecting something into Carlos’s arm, they had their bedroom door open. I go back into the living room and pretend I didn’t see. 
Blink, I met a girl at school. She has beige freckles and long blonde hair. The day we met, I saw her punching some douchebag in the face for saying she was “just a faggot in a dress”. Her name is Robin.
Blink, Ben asked me to pose shirtless for him, for his drawing project. I said okay. When he asked me to get naked, I left the apartment. I found Robin instead and I smoked my first joint with her. When Genny came home later, she was furious at Ben and Carlos. I’ve never seen her yell before.
Blink, we’re homeless again. Genny says she has another friend though, that’s letting us stay at her dad’s penthouse while he’s away on business. But she needs to look for a new job because she got fired. Genny looks sadder every day. Mom and dad never call.
Blink, Robin says she is a girl because that’s how she is inside. Gender is a social construct, she says. Is it still okay to kiss you, I ask. We had our first kiss near the Brooklyn Bridge. 
Blink, Genny is stressed. She got a new job though. She won’t tell me what is. I wish she wouldn’t drink so much. 
Blink, we have to leave again. Genny’s friend says her dad is coming back next week and needs the penthouse. I’ve never seen my sister have a mental breakdown. I want to see Robin. I want to see my mom. I want to go home. 
Blink, Genny and I are walking around an abandoned apartment complex. We find a room on the twentieth story. It’ll do for now. Genny eyes look dark and sunken as she sits on the used, dirty bed. She says she is going to get more hours at work but that means she’ll see me less than before. She needs to make enough to get us a place. A real home. 
Blink, I tell Robin what’s been going on with Genny and I. She tells me I should call my parents. I do. My dad answers the phone but hangs up when he hears my voice. I burst into tears while Robin holds me. 
Blink, I start staying at Robin’s house more and more. I can’t stand to be by myself, in an apartment with no lock on the door. Plus Genny hasn’t been home in two weeks.
Blink, it’s been a month since she’s been gone. Robin takes me to the police station. 
Blink, Genny is missing, no one can find her. The police call my parents. 
Blink, my mom comes to see me. She can barely look at me. She says even though she wants me home, Dad doesn’t. My mom knows she can’t disobey my dad. They will try to look for Genny. My mom cries as she holds me and tells me she’ll find a good home for me. 
Blink, I’m going to be living with my Aunt Tina and cousin, Heather, in Williamsburg, Virginia. I’ve only ever lived in New York. I am scared and angry. Where is Genny?
Blink, Robin says bye to me at the airport. She kisses me goodbye and promises to write. 
Blink, I’m adjusting to life in Williamsburg. It’s calm in the suburbs and I’ve been getting help from a psychologist. It’s a plus that my Aunt and cousin are really nice too. My Aunt talks about philosophy and art while Heather takes me to local shows and spoken word readings. I start to feel okay.
Blink, my mom calls me after almost three months. Genny is dead. Why? I ask my mom to tell me what happened, she says she can’t. That I can’t handle it. I tell her to not tell me what I can or can’t handle. She doesn’t fucking know what Genny and I went through together. She hangs up. She’s wrong. Genny isn’t dead. I don’t want to believe it.
Blink, I am dead inside. My mom tells me that my father wishes that I did not attend the funeral since I am not a part of his family. As usual my mom doesn’t fight him and tells me she’s sorry. Her apologizes are worthless to me. Aunt Tina and Heather try to comfort me. 
Blink, my birthday. I’m thirteen. I am being homeschooled along with Heather. I like Virginia okay. Robin has stopped writing to me. She told me, I just make her sad and that she hopes one day I can find someone better than her who can take care of me. Whatever. She’s just another person who left me. 
Blink, I feel lost. Why did Genny have to die? I wish she didn’t have to be stuck taking care of me. It’s my fault she died. I am a waste of space. 
Blink, I am fourteen, I am still homeschooled. I help out at my Aunt’s coffee shop. I learn to play guitar while Heather learns to play bass. It’s not enough to fill the emptiness. So I smoke. Drink. Toke. Fuck. 
Blink, fast forward in time to when I’m seventeen. My mom calls me and tells me to come to New York. For the first time in four years I am back because I missed her too much. My mom picks me up from the airport. She takes me to see Star Wars: Episode III. I ask her if she ever saw Attack of the Clones. She says no because I wasn’t there to see it with her. I am the only person who knows my mom is a huge fan of Star Wars. 
Blink, she takes me to a nice restaurant in Manhattan. I ask why she wanted me to come back to New York. She tells me she’s thinking of leaving her husband. I think this over. I ask why? Why now? She tells me I’m almost an adult and I’ll be working soon. That we can get a place together and I’ll work and she’ll take care of me and our home. I look at her. I thought about Genny, really thought about what we went through for the first time in years. I ask my mom why she didn’t ask Genny and I that years ago when we needed her. My mom gets upset. I ask her what happened to Genny. When she doesn’t say anything, I told her that I refuse to live with her if she doesn’t tell me. She rests her head in her hands. My mom tells me though. From what the police investigated, she had been a stripper to make more money. One of her customers was a pimp that got her hooked on meth. It already was too much to listen to but I let my mother continue. Eventually, Genny started prostituting herself, to support her addiction, the police speculated. One night however a customer strangled her at a hotel. Strangled her to death and left her under the bed. My mother looked up at me. I saw her dyed blonde hair. Her pristine, expensive clothes. How do I know you won’t back out, I told her, like when you used to try to run away with me when I was a kid? My mom started to cry. 
Blink, I don’t know if I can leave. Leave the life I built with your father, she says. I knew that already. 
Blink, I get up. I tell her good bye then took a taxi back to the airport. I can’t stay here. Not ever again. 
Blink, I am eighteen. I’m in college. I’m in a band. I have a girlfriend. I am happy. Sometimes I think about Genny. What our “family” put us through. All I can do to ease my thoughts is to remember that she is at peace now. 
Instead of going back on the airplane, I hop a train. As I ignore my reflection on the window, focusing on the passing trees outside. I don’t know where I’m going. It probably doesn’t matter. It never did.